where I'm calling from

Not much about me this week, more about the home town shennanigans. I hate to see cats threatened, but what I hated even more was seeing my friend's deadbeat sister listed in this week's reports:

Felony Booking

3:40 p.m., Sonora area — M. "Can't Get Her Shit Together" Fxxxxx, 30, of the 300 block of Lyons Street, booked on suspicion of accessory, possessing drugs and misdemeanor possessing drug paraphernalia, after an arrest at her home.

Anyway, let's go rustle up some loose cows...

10:02 a.m., Valley Springs — A caller on the 4000 block of Bartelink Drive complained of neighbors stealing cats.

10:22 a.m., information report — A caller on the 1200 block of Fairview Drive said drivers were repeatedly running a four-way stop sign between 6 and 7 a.m. most days.

3:21 a.m., Don Pedro — A man on the 14300 block of Avenida Central said someone tried to get in the front door of his home, left pry marks on the door and ran off. He fired four gunshots. (Get on outta here!)

3:02 p.m., assist other agency — A caller wanted to complain about the "fat cop" who arrested her two weeks ago. After further investigation, it was determined she was arrested in Vallecito by another agency.

11:04 a.m., Jamestown — A woman on Nelson Road said she put a pellet stove for sale on an online Web site. Someone then sent her a check for more than the asking price and asked her to cash it and send the extra amount back. She was advised to send the check back uncashed and cancel the sale, or destroy the check.

12:28 a.m., Jamestown — A woman on the 10800 block of Golf Links Road said a woman came to her screen door and looked in, then started talking to a man.

6:36 p.m., Twain Harte — A man on the 23800 block of Leisure Drive said his neighbor left a note threatening him and his cat.

11:11 p.m., Arnold — Cows were loose in the street on Lower Moran Road.

Kids with machetes? That's just kids having fun!

10:27 a.m., Groveland — A man on the 19800 block of Pleasant View Drive said someone took his boat out for a joy ride and stole the battery.

12:24 p.m., Groveland — A man on the 20900 block of Morgan Drive said a neighbor's dog has been killing his chickens, and he is going to shoot it if it comes back.

4:32 p.m., New Melones Reservoir — A bald white man with tattoos who was reported lying in the road wearing shorts and sneakers at the day use area on Reynolds Ferry Road was arrested on suspicion of public intoxication.

12:11 p.m., Mi-Wuk Village — A woman on the 24000 block of Palapeta Lane said she caught a 9-year-old boy "sneaking around" her house with a machete.

4 p.m., vandalism — juveniles were throwing records off a hill into a parking lot. (Silly kids! Records are for turntabilistic adventures!)

10:05 a.m., East Sonora — A man on the 19400 block of Hillsdale Drive requested a welfare check on his friend who he'd been trying to reach for a week. It turned out they met online and she just had not wanted to communicate with him again.

7:20 p.m., Columbia — A caller said a "grip of tweakers" (sic) were dealing drugs on the 22400 block of South Airport Road.

2:56 p.m., Citizen assist — A caller on the 1500 block of Park Avenue said a family of possums had come through an open kitchen door and requested assistance getting them out of the residence. After 45 minutes of possum chasing, the residence was declared "possum-free."

Tell me honestly, Ladies That Were Born in the Early to Mid-1970s, you loved Lindsay Wagner as The Bionic Woman, didn't you? You wanted to make hushed shhh-shhh-shhh sounds as you leapt over semi-trucks in exquisite slow motion. You wanted to be an Operative of the Office of Scientific Intelligence. You wanted your own UnderRoos in your image. I know you did.

I wanted to be The Bionic Woman, but instead I ended up being the Awkward Bionic 16-Year-Old Girl. Now I am the Incredibly Reconstructed, Slightly-Asymmetrical Woman.

Someday I will tell all the adventures associated with hyper-kyphoscoliosis. I'll explain how I've had four spinal fusions, how the Harrington rods the doctors originally used were on a slow path to failure and had to come out, how only a year later they put all that shit right back in again, and how the screws in the image to the right were probably purchased in bulk at Andy's TruValue. And now they are a part of me.

I want to sit on Oprah's couch, swilling a $10 latte and talk about "human strength" and the "will to recover" as everyone in the audience receives a copy of my best-selling memoir. And weeps.

I also want people to stop fucking asking me to come with them to their yoga class. Or pilates. I don't give a crap if you think it's all in the hamstrings. Please, again, refer to the picture on the right.

For now, I'll start small. I'll start with anecdotes. Interspersed with crazy tales of reported crime from back home, this could become quite interesting.

Things are so much simpler somewhere else...

3:10 p.m., Columbia — A man on the 13700 block of Big Hill Road said he thought his roommates are drugging him, though he had no proof. He also brought in methamphetamine to be destroyed that he found on his living room floor.

11 p.m., Sonora area — A woman of an unknown address said she went to a woman's house to ask for directions and that woman tried to sell her child for $1,000.

1:53 p.m., Sonora area — A deputy noticed graffiti under the Sullivan Creek Bridge which said "shadow kids" and "we own the night."

9:24 p.m., Tuolumne area — A caller said a man in his 50s was lying in the road at Woodhams Carne and Yosemite roads with a yellow can in his hand. When the caller asked if he was OK, he started trying to get in the vehicle.

3:22 p.m., Sonora area — A woman on the 12800 block of Chukar Circle said someone took her electric wheelchair for a "joy ride" and damaged it.

8:25 p.m., Pine Mountain Lake — A man said another man came by the gate on the 12700 block of Mueller Drive saying he couldn't get ahold of the Pentagon.

8:41 p.m., Cedar Ridge — A man on the 16600 block of Estralita Drive said he suspected his neighbor of cooking methamphetamine. However, the "smell" turned out to be paint.