where I'm calling from

Last weekend, I drove from Seattle to Portland for the first time in the 3.5 years I have lived in the Pacific Northwest. We all know that it isn't far, but for some reason I put up a roadblock against the trip in my head. 200 miles or 2,000, it just seemed so far. 

I travelled to visit my ex-boyfriend. We dated for 13+ years before he supernovaed and I walked away from the extreme heat and cold light. Like a country western song, he lost his job, car, driver's license, house, girlfriend, cat, apartment and wallet three times over before he called it quits in Seattle and moved in with some friends in Portland.

I can't stop sharing with him, though. I know so much about him. We dance together like capoeira artists. I know his buttons, he knows mine. Thankfully, we've stopped pushing them. Now, when I see him, I still feel the need to rush in and save him, make things better. Foundations in co-dependent relationships are hewn in bedrock, not limestone; you'll be able to trace my original design up to the day I die. 

He was waiting for me on the soggy porch when I drove up. I would have called, but he lost his cell phone contract, too. He told me to keep my shoes on in the house because it would not meet my standards, and he was not wrong.

In college, we all either lived in, or frequently visited, This House. The carpet was an indiscriminate 1970s brown and full of crumbs and dirt. The front porch sported a tattered couch, shredded by cat claws. A large, unemployed friend crashed out asleep on the inside couch, snoring. Two video game consoles were attached to the old TV. Each room sported only one electrical outlet, with surge protectors and squid extenders hooked precariously into each one. The smells of stale pizza and uncirculated, damp air permeated the small space. Every surface was covered: dirty dishes, water pipes, Playboy magazines, fantasy toy figures. Not a single piece of furniture matched another. 

This is where Brad lives. His room belched U-HAUL boxes into the hallway and squeezing in and out to sleep is all he can do. His rent-free job is to try to keep this house from crumbling to total fetid decay, but he's slowly losing the battle along with his sanity. 

Brad's hands shake and his voice wavers with uncertainty. He is a ghost of the man I loved. His confidence has been stripped from him. He depends on this small, filthy, yet loving community of friends in PDX. 

We start off with so many choices as adults, and as we choose poorly, our choices dwindle, then disappear. Brad does not belong in this house, but I don't see a list of options for him to choose from. 

I could only stay there for 20 hours, most of them spent out at the movies, dinner, dessert, drinks, walks in the Portland flats. I met seemingly nice neighbors, each with their own tragedy in their pocket. The Qwest tech with a history of neurological surgery and damage, the young father next door who carried an open beer bottle into his old car and drove away with it cradled in his lap. I met friends with stories of a roommate who suffered a horrible stroke this past summer at age 34, limiting his vocabulary to 100 simple words. He's trapped inside his malfunctioning body and his knowing eyes apparently convey more than his few sentences. 

And my very good friend who, after 12 years with the same woman, decided it was time to end their relationship. I drove up in front of his lovely 1960s mod rambler and parked near a glorious Italian mini car only to see him come out and say it's not a good time, they were having their first fight in their entire sordid history. These beautiful soft-spoken Socialites couldn't raise their voices to save their lives. I imagined them flinging far-fetched souvenirs from their many European adventures at one another. I found that I couldn't.

I wanted to write something funny that captures that trip in all its glory, but after a week of thinking about it, I don't think it's funny. It's only funny in light of its gloominess. The whole "laugh so you don't cry" adage.

I had to leave and drive home. I needed to regroup with my thoughts. I felt choked down with sadness, full of it. Like I always do when I am overwhelmed, if I can't fix the problem, I abandon it. All Brad wanted to do was walk around downtown, looking at statues. He just wanted a friend, but I couldn't even find the fortitude to stare at bronze relics with him.

I wanted to say I was sorry for his situation, that I felt responsible. I still feel that push-pull tug of guilt that co-dependents live off of. And while I dropped the tug-of-war rope nearly two years ago, sometimes I still pick up the rough cord and feel the wrench.

I just can't stop thinking about all the choices we have, that we all have.

Police reports from Tuloumne County, CA. Nothing could be more ludicrous...

9:48 a.m., Strawberry — A caller said her neighbor's alarm went off twice on the 27000 block of Summerhill Drive. She saw a white pick up with an all terrain vehicle in the back leave the residence and come back twice. She went to the residence and found a deer in a deer bag hanging from a tree.

10:22 a.m., Phoenix Lake — A deer had a garbage can stuck on its head on Elizabeth Lane and Phoenix Lake Drive. (Unrelated to the previous call ... we think.)

2:40 p.m., Tuolumne — A woman on the 21000 block of Maranatha Road said she has received a total of six different magazine subscriptions in the mail that she and her husband didn't order. The magazines included Maxim, Playboy and Star. She called the companies and canceled the subscriptions and thinks someone is playing a joke on and her husband.

2:34 p.m., public intoxication — A man in his 50s was arrested after reports that he was on South Stewart Street hitting telephone poles with a stick and appeared to be intoxicated.

12:35 p.m., Sonora area — A bag of bones and rotting meat was found on Lime Kiln Road at Lime Rock Road.

12:26 p.m., suspicious circumstance — A man said he went to the library on Greenley Road and, when he left, he heard a cat meow. He stopped, opened his door and a brown cat jumped out and ran off toward Cabezut Road.

THIS WEEK’S WINNER
1:17 a.m., Tuolumne — Black Oak Casino security employees on the 19400 block of North Tuolumne Road asked a deputy to check out a man dressed like The Joker, who they were told had a machete. It turned out he had a knife. He was charged with public intoxication and released.

People often remember historical moments based on what they were doing, and where they were. While before my time, I am sure anyone alive during the Kennedy assassination (pick a Kennedy), knows exactly what she was doing. I can remember a few times like this in my life.

January 28, 1986
A very cold morning on the playground where I was standing and the bell just rang. I looked at my fourth grade teacher, Mrs. Schmidt, to see her crying. The space shuttle Challenger had just broken apart 73 seconds after lift off, killing all seven people aboard.

October 17, 1989
Deanna and I bought a bunch of discount Halloween candy and walked back to the school gym to play a junior high basketball game. 100 miles away the Nimitz freeway collapsed, the Bay Bridge partially collapsed and 63 people in the Bay Area died in the Loma Prieta earthquake.

September 11, 2001
I woke up and walked into my living room to see my roommate Randall glued to the TV. As we watched live, the second plane flew into the World Trade Center. Like a dazed zombie, I could not look away, knowing the world would be a new, unforgiving place.

Yesterday will be one of those days for me. The polls started to close at 4 pm. By 4.15 pm I was a nervous wreck. I went to my local tavern and had a hard cider before going to my boyfriend, Neil’s, house. He was in his basement painting and I knew I would have to distract myself. I decided to make beef stroganoff from scratch and it would take a while. I started browning, slicing, and stirring as the TV blared. By 7 pm I was optimistic. We ate in front of the TV, flipping back and forth between major news channels.

At 8 pm I went to the kitchen to scrub dishes. I needed to keep busy; I was fidgety and high strung. That was when CBS declared Obama the winner. I tucked myself in the corner of the kitchen so Neil couldn't see, but I got teary. We grabbed a bottle of champagne and went back to the tavern where our friends were gathered. We watched McCain's concession, one of the best speeches he's given during this campaign, and Obama's victory speech.

After all that, I suddenly felt exhausted. I told Neil I needed to go lie down, but instead I crawled into his shower and cried with relief for about 15 minutes. I let out all the pent up worry and anguish I'd been carrying since 9/11, since 2004, since this campaign began.

I do honestly think that the moment Obama was declared the winner will go down in history as one of those definitive moments where ALL PEOPLE remember where they were and what they were doing. I was washing dishes in a condo kitchen in Pioneer Square.

Later, the crowds spilled onto the streets in Seattle. All our measures went the way the liberals wanted so it was peaceful, but loud. Long after Neil went to sleep I sat up listening to the masses downtown and the circling helicopters. Later I read that after the crowds began to disperse, folks grabbed brooms and started cleaning up the streets as police drove by, thanking them. Unbelievable. And about time.

On this great day, on the eve of either massive positive change or my own spiraling depression, I offer up what is occurring in Tuloumne County. Again.

5:03 p.m., Sonora area — A woman on Sparrow Lane said she broke up with her boyfriend because he confessed to committing a "sexual act" with another man, and he will not stop calling her. The boyfriend said the act was against his will and happened while on methamphetamine and that the ex-girlfriend made death threats to him. He was advised to not do drugs.

9:09 a.m., assist other agency — A caller on the 600 block of Copello Drive had located a helium tank in a trash bin and was concerned for the safety of the garbage collector. The fire department was notified and went on to dispose of the tank and check the area.

12:03 p.m., Tamarack — A verbal altercation regarding digging and a possible theft of dirt occurred on Skyline Drive.

10:43 p.m., Sonora area — A party was allegedly out of control on the 19900 block of Panorama Place North and people were reportedly "having sex" in a vehicle in the middle of the road.

8:39 a.m., Don Pedro Reservoir — What was thought to be a human head floating in the water at Fleming Meadows on Bonds Flat Road was actually a "realistic looking" Halloween mask.

1:07 p.m., suspicious person — Two people climbing in a trash bin behind Save Mart had permission to be there from the store "as long as they don't make a mess."

AND THIS WEEK'S OBVIOUS WINNER:

2:21 p.m., Jamestown — A woman said a gang member with technology has been threatening her on the 10500 block of Seventh Street. She said the man and his wife made comments about the past, like the man said he killed her brother on purpose in a car accident 30 years ago and that they got her stillborn baby and did "bad things" to it.

The text of this email arrived in our corporate mailbox over the weekend. I am presenting it here, unedited, unadulterated and uncloned, for your knee-slapping enjoyment...

Hello dear Ladies and Gentlemen!

I would like inform you that Scarlett Johansson (actress) actually is a clone from original person Scarlett Galabekian, who has nothing with acting career. That clone was created illegally by using stolen biological material. Original person is very nice (not d**n sexy),most important - CHRISTIAN young lady! I'll tell you more,those clones (it's not only one) made in GERMANY - world leader manufacturer of humans clones, it is in Ludwigshafen am Rhein, North Bavaria, Mr. Helmut Kohl home town. You can not even imaging the scale of the cloning activity. But warning! Helmut Kohl clone staff strictly controlling all their clones (at least they trying) spreading around the world, they are very accurate with that, some of them are still NAZI type disciplined and mind controlled clones, so be careful get close with clones you will be controlled as well. Original person is not happy with those movies, images, video, rumors and etc. spreading on media in that way it would be really nice if  we all will try slow down that ''actress'' career development, original Scarlett will really appreciated that. Please remember that original Scarlett's family did not authorize any activity with stolen biological materials, no matter what form it was created in it  was stolen and it is stolen. It all need to be delivered to authorized personals control in Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles. Original Scarlett never was engaged, by the way!
Her close friend Serge G.

P.S. CONTROLLING ACTIVITY OF ANY CLONES IS US MILITARY OPERATION.
H.R. 534, the Human Cloning Prohibition Act of 2003, was introduced to the U.S. House of Representatives on February 5, 2003. After discussion, it was passed on February 27 by a vote of 241-155. It now moves on to the Senate for consideration. This bill makes it unlawful for any person or entity to perform or participate in human cloning, or to ship or receive embryos produced by human cloning. The penalties are imprisonment of up to 10 years and fines of $1 million or more. These now join other nations as diverse as Norway, Australia, and Germany, which had already added cloning for any purpose to their criminal code. And in Germany where it carries a penalty of five years imprisonment they know a thing or two about unethical science.