where I'm calling from

I was recently on Facebook, as I often am, and noticed that my short friend list had grown slightly shorter. I do not sport an extensive list of friends as I feel that each connection should be honest and genuine, not just someone you've met once or a friend of a friend. So it didn't take me long to identify the few people who dropped off.

I reached out, wanting to make sure everything was OK. And for some, it was purely a rejection of the intrusiveness of FB into their personal lives. Email and phone suited them fine and it was going to need to work for me, too. But one friend told me, in no uncertain terms, that she wanted to part ways with me because of the way things had turned out during my breakup with NPD.

My first reaction was, of course, to get all uppity, self-righteous, and tell this person to jump in a lake because who needs that BS anyway? I mean, here was a guy who stole money, was emotionally abusive, has tarnished my name all over this town, sullied the opinions of many, popped my car tires, blah blah blah.

Say that last sentence out loud, and you see that I just became "The Girl No One Wants to Talk to at The Party." You know, the girl who bitches about all the injustices done to her and can't let go? Yeah, that girl.

I DID let things go with NPD. Well, I'd say I am close. The borrowed money still stings a little and I get creeped out about what he did with the guy he lured to my house through a personals ad, but my life didn't turn out like a bad episode of "Law and Order SVU." In fact, it turned out pretty good.

I've also come to understand that there's a good way to break up with someone. Or at least a fair and right way. I've done that before. One of my greatest friends ever was also my boyfriend for 13+ years. We bought property, picked out dinnerware, slept side-by-side, travelled together. He wrote songs about me and I wrote about 500 sappy letters to him. And while we weren't all roses there at the end, we did part well. We squared up financially, emotionally and civilly. I'm still a little sore about losing the mezza luna knife to his new kitchen, but I can buy another. We send Christmas cards, I get email jokes from his mom, it's all as good and well as it can be.

With NPD, I did it wrong. For one, just because I wanted to leave a person who I considered morally bereft and manipulative doesn't mean I was/am an angel. I know that I should have been more honest and up front with him, and then ended things cleanly, as I did try to leave many times. By returning to the same situation over and over, I am partly to blame for how messy things were at the end.

Secondly, I struggle with two fundamental needs: the need to be liked, and the need to be right. And these two don't always play well together. So while it may have been my choice to submit a letter to the local magazine detailing all the wrongs NPD had done against me, it was not RIGHT. It felt great at the time, but I could have had that same satisfaction from writing a letter, reading it, and then tearing it up.

And it certainly didn't help me in the being LIKED department. Some friends thought, "Yeah, he deserved it," and said as much to me. But others just shook their heads at me, including my very own Jim.

I need to weigh in my two hands the need to be RIGHT and the need to be LIKED. Or at least, thought well of. I think the latter is truly more important to me. I got off path somewhere and it's time to buckle down, mind my own business, eat my leafy greens, drink less, dream more and just be a nicer person.

As an adult we have the privilege of surrounding ourselves with people who make us feel good, valuable and significant. I want to be one of those people.

So Ex FB friend J, if you ever read this, I am sorry that you feel the way you do, but I agree with you. Humble pie doesn't taste very good, but I am very happy someone that I respect served it to me, along with a scoop of humble ice cream a la Jim.